Life according to John

So, it's Wednesday night at around 11pm...I just finished day 3 of studying for my next Microsoft Exam, which is in 12 days....why so late you ask...well, life. It's hard always making the right decisions...and some times I have failed to do that. Well, at this part of my life...I have committed myself to making the right decisions. So that means, taking care of myself...my kiddos, and all that comes along with that.

So after being at work from 6-3:30, I rushed off to teach lessons from 4-5 tonight, YAY!! Both of my students recieved 1's on their Solo Ensemble Score!!! (1 is the highest). After lessons, had to stop at the grocery store for milk and syrup...cause evidentally my girls LOVE syrup on their pancakes every morning...and I guess they must drink it too!!! By the time I got home it was around 6:30. So I walk through the door, big hugs and kisses...(one of the best moments of the day) and then change my clothes try and eat. Thank God my mom is here to help out!!! Anyway, the girls' mom came over tonight for her mid-week visit...so the girls got to hang out with mom...and I could go through the mail and talk with my mom a little bit. I'm exhausted, stressed about the day...but know in the back of my mind that I still have so much to do.

So 8pm rolls around, the girls are in bed...and I'm off to the gym...after running 3 miles...and then lifting for 30 mins...I'm so tired I can barely stand up. But I know that this is good for me...and that it will pay off someday, I hope!! So home to take a shower...and time to study!

So here I am!! Just finished studying...and well, I feel like there is something missing. Something I didn't get to do tonight...There is just not enough time in the day to get everything I want to get done. :(

So now I have to pay bills tomorrow am....because honestly, I am just way too tired right now to do it...I'm afraid I might pay the gas company 1,000 dollars or something crazy because i'm not thinking straight.

So "tomorrow is a new day"...I had a dear friend tell me this today...and you know, tomorrow IS a new day....just what kind of day will it be?

Here's hoping it's not too stressful, filled with love, and hugs....and looks....and smiles, laughter...and fun!! ~ That's not too much to hope for is it??

Goodnight everyone!

It's amazing to me that within minutes, life goes from good and comfortable and then within an instant it's flipped upside down and very awkward. This week has been just that. Sunday was a good day...tried a new dinner...and then life was flipped. I was startled to hear of trouble my little brother is having. Trying to be there for him (4 hours away) was quite difficult. So as I tried to calm him down, and myself...the mins turned into hours...and the hours got longer and longer. Before I knew it, it was 2am...and I was still awake.

Then Monday came. Normal day, except that I was exhausted...running around with meetings, eye apt - apparently I'm color blind now :( Then work, then teaching lessons....all which led to the perfect ending to the day. My phone broke...I left the sunroof in the car open and it poured down rain inside my car. The rest of the week definitely had its challenges for sure...but by Friday, I had thought that finally things were better. My best friend in the whole world achieved his Doctoral program and is now Dr. Ware!! Congrats Patrick!!! So to celebrate we all went out for dinner! Good food, great friends, amazing conversation! I am so proud of Patrick for reaching his goals even with all of the distractions he has in his life. I am so proud of him!!!

The weekend pretty much followed par with the rest of the week....having it's good moments...of shopping for the girls, and cleaning up the apt...enjoying the sun...and definitely catching up on some much needed sleep!! And yes, there were the down moments as well...but as I sit here typing...life is pretty good.

I went to church this am...couldn't get out of bed in time for the usual 9:30am time...so ended up going to the 11:15 service. Nevetheless...the sermon was pretty fitting for the week I had. It focused around "not forgetting" who we are in Christ. And that when we do, all of the "stuff" and non-important things control our lives. The perceptive management becomes so important. But when we remember "who we are" in Christ, that perceptive management doesn't matter anymore...and we live for ourselves with Christ. I found myself reflecting in the car driving home today, thinking about how sometimes I get so caught up in what others think or will perceive...based on who I used to be and things I have done of which I am not proud of in my life...and not who I am now and the way in which I am choosing to live...and I came to the realization that I was forgetting who I am in Christ, and my perceptive management was too important. So I have taken the lesson from this am, of "wake up, and embrace who you are" to heart. It's time to once again live for me through and with Christ. And to let all of the "stuff" go by the way side.

It's amazing how when times are tough...He is always there to comfort us, through a pastor, or a reading, a song or a friend!

~Happy Sunday everyone!

Once upon a time...there was a little me, so innocent, so fragile...so pure...
Perfectly created, perfectly shiny...perfectly new...
Perfect neat or naughty...perfect messy, perfect happily just being me.

Such a free little girl (guy) who danced through her(his) life, giggling without reason, loving
without hesitation, trusting without any reason not...perfectly loved in an unconditional way...
perfectly safe, perfectly protected from what someday would come my way.

Free to imagine how great I'd become, to daydream almost always, to be scared of the night and terrified of forever...free to be silly, freel to spill my milk, to sometimes be flighty, usually messy and often late...a fragile piece of blown clear glass with nothing to hide, nor to hide from..free to be perfectly imperfect me.

One day older plus many days more..my perfect, some older fragile glass self was gently taken off my safe shelf. And my happy go lucky, ignorant youth, happily skipped into a far from perfect, fallen world.

So I got chipped a little, scratched a lot, but polished up quickly without too much harm due...until...there was you.

Did you notice my beauty then, the first time we met? How truly transparent I was? I had nothing to hide then nor anything yet built up on me to hide it with...do you remember how pristine the glass was before the first time you touched me?

And my happy go lucky, ignorant youth, happily skipped into a far from perfect, fallen world.
So I got chipped a little, scratched a lot, but polished up quickly without too much harm due…until…there was you.

Did you notice my beauty then, the first time we met? How truly transparent I was? I had nothing to hide then nor anything yet built up on me to hide it with…do you remember how pristine the glass was before the first time you touched me?

And…I can’t help but wonder…did a part of you ever pause before you put that first smudge on me? Did you not know then how ugly you’d find the dirty, cracked glass of your creation? Or had you always planned to break your promise to be ever so gentle with easily breakable, delicate me?

And the last time you left me, when right before you left…well, why didn’t you just leave? Why did you first have to find me…to hurt me again.

You grabbed me from that dusty shelf that I was hiding on, why did you hate me? You eagerly, almost with pleasure shook me and then you…you smashed me on the floor.
I used to wonder…what made you so mad at me? Whatever was it that made you not even want me enough to keep kicking me around? Of course then I remember, the word that I said, to bring on even greater rage from you…you really don’t like it all, do you?…When someone says ‘STOP’ to you…

So you threw me and I violently crashed…I exploded, I shattered…you decided to put an end to my story that day. The delicate work of clear blown glass, the little me I once was…now just a million different pieces of sharp and jagged glass, each one bleeding their own unique shade…right there, where you left me, upon the dirty floor.

Did you ever consider pausing before you quickly walked away? Did you ever think about cleaning up that mess that you had made?
But you don’t write my whole life’s story and it wasn’t your decision to say The End.

So the millions of pieces of shattered glass upon the floor each now displaying the millions of forever stained shades from the colors they bled before…they got up, they moved on, they live now, so damn much better than before.

Did you think that I’d just be swept up, quickly thrown away? Did you think that was the last of the once prized trophy you tried to destroy that day?
And now…if you could see me, how stunned you’d truly be, so taken aback by my intriquite beauty, by the better me, now me.

It’s really quite a miracle, it even surprises myself…to live my cherished presence, to love who I am today…because, well…there’s just so much more to me now, in part because you smashed me to the floor that day. Who would have thought, not you, I’m sure…the result of your destruction…would end up blooming into something greater than we could have ever imagined?

Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t easy and it took more than just me…to create this breathtaking showpiece that you still most likely just haven’t the sight to see. I’ve finally come into myself, moreso of who God always intended me to be…only His Design could turn a million shattered pieces into a whole, complete…perfectly perfect me.

And now…when the light shines through me, the colors that I once bled…they reflect a million different shades of light…an irredescent mix of me, the reflection of how I choose to display the entirity of me.

Sometimes, this gift, this light…it shines outside of me, magically finding and seeking the darkened paths of those most in need. And I am so blessed to have this light, to be able to share it…the joy, the gift to do so…well, to you…I can’t explain, but…it gives back so much more, makes such an even brighter me!

So that’s me…perfectly imperfect. The clear, transparent glass you once destroyed now lives out loud with so much to give, reflecting God, shining forth His Grace in a myriad of amazing, most colorful ways…

It’s just..beautiful…and…It’s Me!
Perfectly Imperfect Mosaic Me

by Sara Huizenga Lubbers

So the show Saturday was amazing! After the show some friends and I went out for dinner. Great food!! Better company and conversation!! It's amazing how when you are with friends...the rest of the world just kind of slips away. That's how it was yesterday...telling stories from our youth...remembering things from the 80's like, the smurfs, fragle rock, the cosby show, different strokes, silver spoon, and on and on. It's amazing how TV right now is so different than what it was before. Insane!!

Anyway today, Easter Sunday, was a great day!! Started off the day at church for the 945 service..and it was a good service...definitely was different. There were light sticks, that were passed out, 4 different colors. The whole idea was there was a screen and flashed different colors..and the congregation was to hold up their light when it flashed on the screen. Anyway, it was just an unusual way to worship...but there was something about it that was fascinating!

After church, I came home and got some lunch...I was invited to a friend's house for Easter dinner...and so my plan was to head there around 3pm. On my way I decided to drop in on another friend, who i haven't seen in a few days...and it was really great to catch up and talk to her. So we chatted for a little while and then I was off to dinner.

Dinner was great!! Ham, lamb, potatoes, dessert, breads, wine. It was fabulous!! I felt so welcomed, and accepted in another family that I had not previously met. The conversation around the table was that of what my family is like...sharing the days events, past experiences, trips...things going on in their daily lives. It was just like being around the table in my parents' house.

It's amazing how when you can't be around the ones you want to be around...God provides alternative plans. He certainly provided for me today, exactly what I needed.






So as I lay my head down tonight, I pray the following:



Dear Lord, thank you for all of the blessings you have bestowed upon me in the past few days...thank you for the opportunity to be with friends, and to be able to enjoy their company and friendship. Help me to be a better father, a better friend, a better son, and a better man. Be with the ones I love, and protect them tonight. Help them to find your grace, as I have found in you.

~Amen

So a week ago or so, I was invited to an Easter Musical at a friend's church. Not really sure what to expect...I was eager to attend. I arrived and was greeted by friends...and was immediately captivated by my surroundings. A live pit orchestra, the sets were incredible...and I knew immediately this was going to be amazing. Little did I know, how amazing it truly was going to be.

The show was centered around the Easter story of Jesus...and his teachings...and crucifixion...and then of course his resurrection. The characters and music were so intense, I felt "goose-bumps" and chills at several points during the show. I was even moved to tears during the crucifixion of Jesus.

I really felt that He was present during the show, and that he was speaking to me...calling me, and saying, "I see you, and I'm glad you are here." I felt like that show was exactly where I needed to be...and what I needed to hear. I guess I never realized the depths of his sacrifice for me and for all of us.

Today my eyes were widened even more to his grace, and mercy. That all of us deserve to be on that cross...for the sins we commit, yet Jesus, who did not deserve to be there at all, was willing to take our, (my) place...so that my sins could be forgiven.

God is so good!!

Jesus is risen...Hallelujah!!

Ok, so no, I really didn't find my basket...but do you remember the joy of waking up Easter morning...and going on the "hunt?" This was always a big deal for me growing up. I remember one year my basket was hid in the oven, and then another year it was hid in the dryer in the laundry room. I remember that in the basket there was not only candy and chocolate...but also some sort of "spring" gift. Most of the times it was a new pair of sneakers! AWESOME!! Other times, it was a t-shirt, or something small like that. It really didn't even matter to be honest, the thrill of finding the basket and trying desparately not to be the last one to find it was all worth it.

I have other memories about Easter morning as well. Growing up there were the three boys, my brothers and I, and our parents. I remember we used to get "Easter outfits" for church. I remember a couple times standing outside Easter morning and getting our pictures taken. For some reason, I can remember wearing white pants, and a red striped shirt one year. Not sure if I remember it for a good reason, or if it was tramatic enough that it sticks with me. I realize now, that my mom was just really excited to have her boys, all dressed up and looking sharp..and she wanted to be able to look back later and remember us that way. I feel the same way about my girls now...I want to capture all of the moments I can on my camera...because I am starting to realize just how fast time is going. When Bailey got her haircut...it nearly broke me heart...because I realized..."my baby is growing up."

Anyway, this Easter should be fun...not sure what I'm doing yet...I am excited to see an Easter musical at church on Saturday....but as for the day itself, Sunday, not sure. I may just end up going to my church in the morning...I may go to DC for sunrise service, which sounds great!! Either way, He will be in my thoughts, and in my heart. God is so good!!

So last night one of my closest friends finished his dissertation. So to celebrate I went over to his house and we shared a few cold drinks and caught up on life. After celebrating for a few hours, I headed home.

When I woke up this morning, I knew it was going to be a great day!! The sun was shining, the birds were singing. After getting ready I grabbed my golf bag, tennis racket, a change of clothes and headed to work. I got to work, and got some paper work done...and finished a project that I had been working on for a few days. Then it was off to my session. Not too much to discuss this week, other than what has happened the past two weeks in relation to selling my house, the divorce, and someone that I have been spending some time with recently. After my session was over, I went back to work.

I stayed at the office for about an hour, until it was time to hit the golf course! Yep that's right...golfing on a Thursday afternoon! It was amazing!! 70 degrees, bright sunshine, good friends, and golf...what could be better! God is soo good!

On the course neither my friend or I were striking the ball particularly well, but the conversation was great and we were outside.

After our round was over...we parted ways...and I headed to tennis court where I met another friend for some time on the court. Needless to say I was a little tired from the sun, and playing golf for a couple hours. But there is something about being competitive, and being with friends, that keeps you going. So we played tennis for about an hour and a half...until it was time to come home and get some dinner.

So as far as Thursdays go..this was a really good one!!

Well my thoughts are running a little crazy tonight...I'm sitting here watching, "Catch Me if You Can." It's an ok movie, probably why my thoughts are going non-stop...not really paying attention to it...but sort of. I keep thinking about a conversation that got started today..and then got interrupted first by me...cause life got in the way, and then by the other person, because well, life got in the way. I can't help but think that this is a sort of test, within the test. I understand that one of my current issues is patience. I have a hard time waiting for things...I like to go and get what I want. Whether it be, a new TV, new car, new apt...or something bigger...something greater...someone. Well, for the past couple months, God has been teaching me patience...and well, in this instance, I've been a bit of a slow learner. Understanding that patience is something He sees that I need...has been difficult.

I have come to realize that God is good...and what he has in store for me...and for my children is GREAT!! At times, I do not understand His plan, and currently I can't see why He has me in this "holding pattern," but at the same time...I'm glad that He has shown me a glimpse of what I believe is my future. I was reading some verses this afternoon, and I came across one that said:

At heart I'm a hopeless romantic. I'm still watching the same movie...and if you've ever scene it you know that there is a scene between Brenda's parents...when they are in the kitchen, it's late in the evening, and they are swaying back and forth while cleaning the dishes...the entire time starring into each other's eyes...with "Embraceable You" being sung in the back ground by Ella Fitzgerald. And I couldn't help but think, that's what I want someday. Why does that only seem to happen in the movies..isn't anyone out there in the "real world" experiencing that right now?? I have to believe that it's possible...and that someday it will happen.

Another random thought is....how beautiful God's work is. I was listening to the Prelude from Bach's Cello Suite No. 1- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZn_VBgkPNY If you have never heard it...where have you been - Just kidding...but yesterday, a friend and I were having a bible study and one of the questions which sparked a little introspection was, "How have you seen God's wonder in everyday life" or something along those lines...and I thought of this piece. Can you imagine someone writing a piece like this, and not feeling the "aw" of God's grace and presence. To be that lucky!! Such a piece like this just makes you want to cry at it's beauty.

I'm currently working on a piece right now, and I have come to a stand still with inspiration...which in time I'm sure will dissapate...but there once was a time, twice actually, when I created some music that after I heard it played back by another person...was miraculous. I have no doubt that in that moment, I felt God smiling upon me as if to say, "I have seen what you have done, and it is good." I long for that feeling again!

They say you are only as old as you feel, well last night then I aged from 29 to 59! WOW!! I played tennis yesterday afternoon with a friend from school, and as it turned out...it was a lot of fun! I had not picked up a tennis racket in almost a year..so I had my concerns as to what direction the ball would travel after coming in contact with my racket. I was however, surprised that most of the time it went in the right direction...that being said, I did "sky" a few of them. :) It started to rain a little towards the end, which was a good thing...it felt great, and really helped to cool things down. However, it made the court a little slick, and well...this is when I started to feel old. I went for a shot that normally wouldn't have been a big deal...the perfect setup for a forehand cross-court strike. Well, I slipped on the court, and when I made contact my arm was awkwardly straight...this sent a sensation up my arm, and after the ball hit my racket I dropped the racket. Not purposely, but because I couldn't feel anything! Yikes!! It didn't hurt, it just felt extremely awkward...like my shoulder had come out of the socket or something. I separated my shoulder in high school playing football, and that hurt...this felt similar but without the pain. Now, being a competitive guy, and not wanting to admit that I probably should have stopped...I rubbed it a little..and kept playing for about 30mins. Definitely didn't hurt, but really didn't feel that great either.

I then met up with another friend for Bible Study, and as we were discussing a chapter in Isaiah...the "pain" or discomfort, came back. No big deal, when I left I took some tylenol in the car..and by the time I got home...I was fine, so I thought :(

I made dinner, had planned on watching the NCAA tournament, when my body...screamed for my attention. I started to experience a huge piercing headache...that would stay with me through the night. And after lying on the couch for 45mins...my shoulder was now really a problem.

So, off to bed....and if I didn't move...my head felt ok...but my shoulder wasn't allowing me to be still...so as you can imagine, sleep was interrupted...for a few hours...Finally, looking at the clock around 12:30...I started to fall asleep...and I awoke around 4am...feeling sick to my stomach...evidentally all the tylenol...in my system...and the dinner I had the night before weren't agreeing :(

So I slept 'til almost 8am...hit the shower, thankfully my headache is gone...the pain in my shoulder is still there...but it's definitely better than yesterday :)

So what is in store for today....well probably more tennis this afternoon...and definitely need to get to the gym today...I'm determined to feel 29 again!

So last night I was sitting awake in bed, for the, I don't know, the 10th night in a row...not able to fall asleep. So I'm lying there kinda going through my day...and thinking about how Bailey was really sick, and is now feeling better...although the change in her behavior and energy level from being sick to being well...is remarkable. I came home the other night, and Bailey was lying on the couch and normally she comes running to the door crying, "Daddy!!!" Not this time :( This time I walked the entire way into the apt...and there she was, lying on the couch under a blanket, with this very week smile on her face...and said, "Daddy, I don't feel good." So that being her low point...last night must have been her high point. I came home from work..and she comes..running down the hallway, "Daddy, I feel better today! Obviously, a huge change from the day before...still not eating that great...but eating nevertheless. So she finally went to sleep last night around 9:30, if that says anything about the level of her energy. It's amazing how children change your outlook on life. They reshape your priorities...and crystalize what things are important.

I find myself thinking more about family these days...I try to talk to my brothers, throughout the week...and I definitely talk with my mom and dad weekly. I make it important to have "family time" with the girls whether, it's during dinner time, or playing in their room in the evenings. I have also been thinking a lot about the next stage of my life...and who I will be sharing it with. I know what type of person I want to share my life with, someone who is loving, kind, honest, open, close to God, has a great relationship with their family. Someone who loves who I am, and encourages me, and inspires me to be better. Someone who, loves and accepts my two young girls. And most importantly, someone who wants me to share in her hopes and dreams, and wants me to be a part of them.

As I sit here today, I'm sure that God has put people in my life to get me through steps of my life, and as they come and go...I reflect on what their purpose was and how it has helped. Ever since coming to SCSS, there have been a multitude of these people in my life. Some to be there for the rough times...some for the good times...and some who have opened my eyes to what could be GREAT TIMES. It's amazing how God works sometimes...especially when you're not looking for those next moments...He guides you to be in a situation where, at times, you get a glimpse of His grace, and feel His love.

I am in that place right now. Seeing His will, feeling His love and excited about the future and the path that lies at my feet.