Ok....so to say I'm frustrated, upset, angry, dissapointed, annoyed, stressed and tired are words that quite frankly don't even begin to describe how I feel right now. It's 530pm on Thursday and I'm still at work. Why? Cause there is so much to do! But that's not a big deal.
What's bothering me today are issues that you know, at the age of almost 30 I didn't think I would be worrying about. I live in a shoe box, well at least that's how it feels...a two bedroom apt, which at times feels like a warm fuzzy home, and everything is great..and then other times it feels like I can't turn around without banging into a wall. I feel bad that I can't offer to my kids a better place to live. And yes I know, that it's not the physical things you give them, it's the love and the time you spend with them...I know i know, i get that and I agree with that. But am I not allowed to want the best for my kids...can i not feel bad when what i think they should have i can't give them right now?
It's another thursday, another thursday when what should have happened didn't...and i gotta tell you...I am sick and tired of being let down and dissapointed. i want to believe that people deep down want to be good people, and that they would never intentionally do anything to take advantage of others, or hurt others. But the longer this drags out, the more my mind starts to wander around thoughts like "my attorney is just milking it for money". Isn't that awful?? So I sat down this afternoon to take a look at bills, and you know, no one likes to pay bills...but then I saw it...mixed in with all the normal monthly bills that one aquires in life...the attorney's bill. $1500!! Are you kidding me?? $1500 dollars for what?? for pain and stress and for having to still be waiting for a divorce that really should have happened 10 months ago! I mean c'mon!! So as I stare with desparate hope that what I'm looking at is a really bad dream...the thought pops in my head...what do i have to give up now? Should I sell something? Do i not pay a bill or two or three? What now do I have to sacrifice...
I know I'm supposed to focus on the things that I have in my life, my kids, my family, my friends..etc and how I should not worry myself about the things in life that I don't have...ie enough money to pay the bills. But in reality, it's hard...it's almost impossible.
I work a 7-4 job...making really good money for the area in which I live. I teach music lessons to 12 students to add income to my house. But living in this area, with 2 kids, and a stack of bills like everyone else has...it's really hard to remember that my life isn't really that bad.
I struggle to see the good in this, the purpose for why I am being tested by all of this. I find it hard on days like today, to see the light at the end of the tunnel...or even know which way the light is supposed to be coming from.
Sure on the outside, I put up a strong showing, of "everything is ok" for most people...but on days like today...I just need a hug, and the moment to just cry. Because, I don't have the answers.
Each day when I wake up, and I pray for protection of my kids, and family and friends, and guidance and support and strength etc...I put my trust in Him that He will answer in some way. But at the end of days like this...that trust is fading, and sometimes gone.
For a month now...the paperwork for my divorce has been submitted to the court for approval. And the hearings are only on Thursday. And every Wednesday night so far in the past 3 weeks, I have cried myself to sleep, knowing that the next day isn't the day. I just want it to be over. I just want closure, I just want the ability to move on with my life in a way that is not controlled by anyone but me or who I allow to influence it.
I know I haven't written anything in almost a month, and that my first post back shouldn't be so sad, desperate or whatever. But I have always known that writing things down helps. So today, one of my lowest days in a while...I write.
WOW
16 years ago