Life according to John

So I am struggling with some thoughts today...I feel like sometimes, people judge me for who they think I am based on a title or group that I belong to or something like that. For example, as many of you know...I am going through a divorce, and yes there are people to blame for what happened...and part of that blame is mine...I feel like people hear the word "divorce" and conjure up this image of something that just isn't there.

John 7:24 - Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.

Ephesians 4:29 - Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

As far as who's to blame...in this whole situation. Well with my therapist guiding me through my thoughts...I have come to realize that yes indeed I'm at fault as well. But I'm human, I made mistakes...not big ones. Not earth shattering, rip your heart out...betrayal...but i'm sure painful ones.

However, given what I've been through...I pray to one day be able to forgive what wrongs have been done to me.

Matthew 6:14-15 - If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.

John 1:9 - If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

I have also realized that probably one of the reasons that I am where I am now, is due to the lack of faith...or disconnect with Christ that I have had for a period of my life. I know some people find Christ early, and can say to Him, "Yes, I am a follower of you, you are my Lord and Savior." I also am smart enough to know that some people are never able to do that. Fortunately, for me I was able to see that there was a void in my life. Something that no matter what I had, a house, a car, a job, two kids, a wife...something wasn't right. Something was missing. I have had conversations with my mom as to what that is all about. And you know, it was that Christ was not in our lives. It didn't matter what I thought I had...without Him, it meant nothing.

And so, very openly and honestly...I took a chance. I allowed Him to speak to me. Unknowingly at first through, two friends at work. In talking with them, I heard something that sounded comforting...I saw something I liked, and I felt something that I hadn't in a long time. So I took a chance and swallowed my pride...and with Sam by my side, I walked humbly into FCC and asked for forgiveness. For guidance, for acceptance...for hope. And although it has taken me 29 yrs to allow Christ to fully enter my life...and to accept Him I am so glad that I did.

So here I am torn between what I know to be right...and what I understand is reality. I'm faced with people who by all accounts, are wonderful, loving, compassionate, hard working, understanding people in my life, yet they see me for what society tells them I must be. They see me as a failure...a failure at being a husband, possibly a dad, and possibly as a person. Christ teaches that we should forgive these people for judging without knowing. That through forgiveness, we too can be forgiven for our short-comings.

According to His teachings...Christians are to pursue Reconciliation, restoration, and forgiveness when faced with the possibility of divorce. I take solace in the fact that I did just that. I tried for months...doing all that I could, as an individual and as a couple. But when one person just doesn't want to be in that situation in any way...it's impossible and unreasonable to think that the other person can carry it.

I have done what I can...and now I am letting God do what He can. Which will be awesome! I have seen it already...bringing the people into my life that will be a part of my life in various ways. Whether it be as friends, colleagues, acquantances...or God-willing a companion for life's remaining journey. So my dilemma remains...what to do with the people who would not afford me the opportunity to be me...and to accept who I am for what I am?

As I sit here tonight, I pray for the answer...I pray for them to open their hearts and see me for who others see me...to accept me as others accept me...to understand and embrace who I was and now know I should be. I pray that my heart will open, and allow them into my thoughts and prayers...and knowing that not all will be able to be a part of my life...that the ones who should, will.

Above all, I pray that God's will be done. I have put my trust in the Lord...and he will deliver on that promise. I know he will.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. - Romans 15:13

~good night everyone