Life according to John

Stress - Webster's defines it as: a physical, chemical, or emotional factor that causes bodily or mental tension and may be a factor in disease causation; one of bodily or mental tension resulting from factors that tend to alter an existent equilibrium.

It seems that lately, life has been full of stress. Growing up as a kid, summer was meant to be stress-free, care-free...just plain free! Well, unfortunately as we get older and life hands us more responsibilities...stress creeps in. Even when we don't want to.

As summer approached this year, I was hopeful for what could be...but mindful of what might be. So far, I'm happy to say that there have been some good times. I've been able to get to the pool with some friends, I've gone to the movies, I've seen the symphony orchestra outside, I've experienced fireworks with the kiddos, and have been to a parade. All in all not a bad summer so far.

And then came last week and this week. So many things have not gone quite right. First MJ is moving out of her townhouse, and so I have been trying to do what I can to help her out. Unfortunately she is dealing with the stress of moving, getting ready for summer weddings, her trip to Ireland, trip to St. Louis...and grad school. So as her stress level builds, I try to keep things cool, and help when I can...and try to eleviate some of that stress. Unfortunately my efforts don't seem to help all of the time. I wish that there was something else that I could do...I have a hard time watching her deal with the same issues over and over again...and just don't know how to help. I was happy though today she was able to ask for help with her car...and I was able to take care of it for her...and take away some stress for about 20 mins...I hope that this is a sign of what's to come....MJ has a hard time asking for help...sometimes.

As for my stress...well what was supposed to be done already, and could/should have been taken care of 10 months ago...is dragging on now for another week at least. I have done everything I can...but everytime I get close to the finish line...there's a hurdle, a road block...a goalie infront of the net. Tomorrow was supposed to be a day of closure...and finality...and as it turns out, once again...I have to wait. Changes are being made...stuff I don't fully understand...money needs to be spent that quite frankly isn't there...so sacrifices must be made. Sitting here tonight in bed...not sleeping...thoughts churning...all I can do is shake my head and say...when will it end? What surprise awaits me tomorrow? I know that I can only control certain things...and I'm ok with that...I just don't know why I am surprised anymore when these "curve balls" are thrown my way.

As I was driving home tonight...I needed to stop at the office and drop off some paperwork...and as I pulled in I saw a colleague...(actually a boss) who I have a descent relationship with...and so I found myself sharing my feelings and stress. I found the conversation comforting. He wasn't telling me anything that I didn't know, but he was confirming what I should have been holding on to instead of stressing out. He spoke of sowing and reaping...and that I would come out stronger and a much better person. He told me that when he first met me over 2 years ago....compared to who I am now...he's noticed significant change. For the better. A stronger, smarter, more experienced man.

I told him that I see life with such a clarity now...and that I know what I want....where I want to be, who I want around me...etc. However, I struggle with how to deal with people that are not good at heart. I find myself feeling upset towards people who purposely do things to hurt or take advantage of people. I feel that I am being taken advantage of in my current situation and that no matter what I do...I can't change that. OK, I get it...fine...but, how am I supposed to be ok with that, when I am honest with people, and fair with them...knowing full well that I will not get that in return?

I was so angry tonight when I got home....so I just sat down...and tried to watch the TV....tried to read...and then tried to chat with some friends online to get it out...but I felt guilty for putting my stress onto them. So I didn't really go into it.

I'm not shutting anyone out...I'm trying to figure some things out, so that I understand them...so that when I talk to people...I can clearly convey what it is that I'm going through. Sometimes, and more recently for sure, I need time to process what's going on.

Anyway, it's after midnight...I guess I better try to get some sleep...

~until next time